Life Upgrade: SCROOGED (1988)

The ultimate of endings, SCROOGED delivers a final dropkick of Holiday Cheer directly to your charity-starved brain that’s instantly unforgettable. If you haven’t seen the end of SCROOGED, the best of the modern retellings of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, then you owe it to yourself to check out this adorable comedy. Even if you know the story by heart, and frankly everyone does, this is still worth checking out – for the jokes, for the actors, for the heart, and most of all for the grand ending.

 

There’s a manic energy to SCROOGED channeled through Bill Murray’s Scrooge stand-in Frank Cross as he takes the stage of his live televised presentation of a Christmas Carol (How meta.) on Christmas Eve that is completely invigorating because it strikes such a sincere cord. The basis of Frank Cross’ speech is all about the miracle of Christmas, for one day out of the year we are as charitable, as kind, and as warm as we wish we were all year round. The ramblings are totally infectious, just like Cross’ idea of miracles, you’ll feel good, you’ll want that feeling, you’ll get greedy for it!

 

Some people are having trouble getting their miracle to happen. You’ve got to want it! I get it now! If you give, the miracle can happen to you. It can happen tonight for all of you!

I don’t… I believe in it now! I’m ready for it!

If you want that Christmas feeling every day of your life, take it from me.

 

Put a little love in your heart.

 

And the world will be a better place.

 

And the world will be a better place.

 

For you.

 

And me.

 

Just wait.

 

And see!

 

Did I forget something little man?

 

“God bless us, everyone!”

Merry Christmas, one and all.

TextSplosion: INVASION: USA

 

Ever seen a Godzilla movie? Isn’t it cool how Godzilla tears apart those models of Tokyo and crushes those little toy tanks with his special-effects breath? Yeah, it is really cool, and really funny. But, remember back to the original Godzilla. If you’ve never seen it, the movie is dark, black and white, totally harsh and haunting. The destruction brought onto Japan is no joke in that movie.

I’m not trying to be depressing, but just look at Godzilla. All that destruction on that scale can be melancholy, thrilling, and comedic with just a little tweak in presentation. That’s why I love the INVASION: USA genre. Movies like Invasion: USA, starring Chuck Norris, or Red Dawn with the always awesome (And sadly deceased) Patrick Swayze. Where film has left invasion lovers out to dry with relatively few invasion stories that don’t involve aliens, video games have stepped up to the bat in recent years. There’s something awesome, lovable, ridiculous, and heartfelt about the setting that I just can’t resist – so here’s a list of some of my favorite INVASION: USA video games, each one featuring an invasion of the United States of America.

To keep this list under control, I’m only counting video games that feature an invasion by a human army of the United States in the modern era.

Get ready for an occupation, America! Here are my favorite INVASION:USA video games.

 

Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2

Einstein invented time-travel, went back in time, and killed Hitler. Great plan, right? WRONG. By changing history, the Soviet Union led by Stalin invaded Europe with some crazy technology, because that’s what happens when you change time. It took a sequel before the fight came to the United States in Red Alert 2, involving an awesomelu wacky attack using psychic powers and blimps. Red Alert 2 is one goofy game, with cheesy performances from some big character actors thrown in to add some levity to the chaos of a US in wreckage.

The game is specifically campy, taking advantage of the alternate history timeline that so many INVASION: USA video games use to hand wave reasons why an army would even attempt it. The setting is admittedly difficult to take seriously, but there are some genuine shocks and twists in Red Alert 2, and even with all the thrills, there’s chills to be had by some of the missions. Saving the president, stopping the nukes, defending the Pentagon, or blowing up the Statue of Liberty, this game really takes advantage of the fantasy inherent in my beloved INVASION: USA genre.

I give it four out of five crying bald eagles.

HAWX

A Tom Clancy game from Ubisoft, there were a few more on this list, but I removed them in favor of more traditional invasion stories. Despite that, this story isn’t exactly a traditional invasion either, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

HAWX is a clever little flight simulation game with a more arcade-y bent, think Ace Combat and you get the idea. What set this game apart was its unique control method and the technology, with some neat mission objectives and a lot of electronic warfare.           

Too bad the invasion angle doesn’t happen until about halfway through the game. You start as a regular ol’ elite ace pilot, then you graduate into the high-paying big leagues of mercenary work for a shady company. See, in the HAWX world, private military corporations have become far more powerful than many armies, including (partially) the US Army. No wonder, these PMCs decide to take on the US after backing a nasty alliance of South American nations, and so begins the invasion. The HAWX turn against their rich bosses and side with the America, because DUH. And so the war begins, with a lot of flying, a lot of shooting, and a lot of bombing.

Taking out tanks and planes over American cities is pretty good, especially because the cities are recreated from satellite pictures, making them extra authentic, if not a little blurry up close. While the game is awesome, the INVASION angle isn’t exploited completely, there’s none of the usual staples of my made-up genre, like destroying monuments or playing up cheap pathos.

Saving the president and stopping dirty bombs in California still provides the right thrills, winning this one three crying bald eagles out of five.

 

Freedom Fighters

Classic in every sense of the word, this is how INVASION: USA is done right. An alternate history timeline about the rise of a more powerful Soviet Union (check), an invasion and occupation of New York city that goes unopposed (check), a normal citizen that rises to the challenge to fend off his evil foreign oppressors (check), inspirational speeches from recently liberated buildings (check), wildly cartoonish portrayals of nasty Russian bad guys (check) and jet fighters flying past the Statue of Liberty (double check!). This game gets the INVASION: USA royal flush, yes!

In this third person shooter, your mild mannered plumber goes Red Dawn on a bunch of silly Soviet stereotypes, with some open-ended levels, mild strategy while leading your ragtag rebels, and a booming orchestral soundtrack. Not only is this a great game, this is the prototypical INVASION: USA experience.

Here’s your five out of five crying bald eagles. You earned it.

 

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

This invasion took me by surprise. While every invasion of the United States story takes place in a relatively fantastic and silly world, this game takes the concept with such deadly seriousness it is almost farcical. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, if you don’t know how Call of Duty games play, I suggest you find out.

These silky-smooth first person shooters are more known for their multiplayer these days, but their single player adventures will always be notable. In this sequel, despite your best efforts in the first Modern Warfare, the evil Russians took power and after one terrorist attack by a mad Russian implicates the CIA, the Soviets are at our doorsteps once again in what might be the biggest overreaction in history.

Do the Soviets really expect to win? Does that nuke the Scottish special forces agent launch really help the United States? What is going on and why? These are all questions you’ll be asking while experiencing Modern Warfare’s nonsensical plot, but if you’re a sucker like me, you’ll find it gripping anyway.

The first time I saw the destruction wrought on Washington D.C. I was awestruck, the level of detail and intensity this game provides win it some major points, despite all the inadvertent silliness. Three out of five crying bald eagles.

 

World in Conflict

Modern Warfare 2 takes place in a semblance of the real world, but makes a Soviet(?) invasion seem silly. World in Conflict takes place in a semblance of a real world, filled with some real personalities. The story this game tells is one of sacrifice and desperation in a situation nobody wants to be in, including the Soviets. The explanation for the cause of World War III in World in Conflict is so aggravatingly simple that it might’ve been pulled from a alternate world’s history book.

It is the late 1980s, the Soviet Union is collapsing, it is coiled up like a spring. The armies of the world were taught, it seemed there was no option but war. The senselessness of the destruction is immediately apparent, and unlike Modern Warfare’s suicidal Russian assault on Washington D.C. the Russians instead land in Seattle, and barely manage to hold that from the National Guard.

There is a melancholy and dourness to the proceedings of World in Conflict, the game is clinical in its portrayal of such terrifying chaos. The battles are a whirlwind of airplanes, soldiers, and vehicles. While the stream of supplies is obviously unrealistic (Airplanes directly drop off tanks from parachutes.), my suspension of disbelief is sustained by the great voice acting and human-focused story. The game play captures the madness of modern war unlike any other game I’ve played, so there’s that.

 

This one is a true modern classic. Five out of five crying bald eagles!

 

Act of War: Direct Action

Another RTS? Surprisingly, war games like to feature large scale destruction, the more familiar to the target demographic, the better. This game might feature the most implausible cabal of evil oil barons ever, lead by Russian (You guessed it!) trust fund babies with a taste for ridiculous schemes. This RTS is all about power, renewable power that is, as the United States has put its hand in building new oil refineries in the middle east that will help make regular fossil fuel more efficient. The powers that be abroad want none of this crazy American dynamism (Is this feeling familiar, yet?) and launch a surprise attack on California to pull the army away from the new experimental refinery. Yep, you read that right, somehow oil barons from around the world put together an army big enough to attack and hold a major American city – twice!

The game isn’t exactly spectacular, as far as RTS games go, it isn’t the best. But, strong production values and a silly story that’s farcical but in a fun way get me pumped. Like a bad Chuck Norris movie, it’s only better because it takes itself seriously.

Three out of five crying bald eagles. But don’t let the oil cabal know I said that.

 

Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge

Alternate history is best history! Crimson Skies is an light flight simulation game that’s less reality based than anything in Ace Combat or HAWX. Taking place in an United States without a federal government, meaning each state is it’s own little country, this gonzo flight game takes liberties with aerodynamics and presents some truly crazy technologies.

You play as Nathan Zackary, leader of the Treasure Hunters, a band of sky pirates based on a blimp. When your good friend Doctor Fassenbinder is killed by a shadowy group called Die Spinne. The evil Nazi organization actually existed in post-war Germany, but in this game their science leader builds giant blimps that eat other blimps and split into giant mechanical spiders. The game actually has no invasion – until the very end. Die Spinne attacks Chicago with a massive tornado-generating blimp.

Now other games feature United States invasions in their final mission, games like Splinter Cell: Conviction by the evil PMC forces. Other games feature Nazi invasions, like Turning Point: Fall of Liberty. (Just to note, Splinter Cell: Conviction is awesome. Turning Point: Fall of Liberty sucks.) None feature an invasion so mental.

Due to lack of REAL invasion, this game gets one crying bald eagle out of ten.

 

For blimps that eat other blimps, this game gets ten exploding ninjas out of ten.

There are more INVASION: USA games out there, just waiting to be played. I know I’m looking forward to Battlefield: Bad Company 2 just to see how the Alaska invasion pans out for the nasty ruskies. With games like Homefront under development, the genre of local destruction and jingoistic mayhem isn’t going anywhere just yet.

That’s worth giving thanks to this holiday season!

BS: The New Bulk & Skull Adventures

News streamed from their dimly lit television, audio but no picture broadcast. Newscasters spoke in a distinctive accent called General American that Bulk instantly recognized; every square in a suit spoke with the same authority on TV. The signal had degraded over the last few days, but his dog-eared antennae got the job done, channels were still received – the local ones anyway. He hunched over, listening over that impenetrable wall of snowy white noise.

The shack in Angel Grove Park had previously been a stable refuge, where Bulk’s girth did not stop the pair from experiencing raucous adventure. Bullying was always so much fun, they enjoyed it, and it was their entire lives. Neither of the friends ever found school’s challenges compelling, it was the social side that interested them. Exerting power was the sole desire of the powerless; Skull had told Bulk once, as they ruminated on the nature of High School bullying. Idle minds were poor catalysts for change.

Nothing seemed to change. Bulk fiddled with his television set, plugged into a wall socket in the utility shack. The set was old, smeared with mud and caked in dust. As long as it worked, Bulk was not about to complain. He remembered the shrill shriek of his friend, his father’s switch cracking against Skull’s pale skin. Bulk stood at the open screen door, afraid to knock, afraid to move. He could never speak of seeing that, but every time Skull said the bruises were from sparring at the Juice Bar, Bulk knew it was a lie. Bulk crossed his round arms over his burly chest, the simplicities of kindness almost lost as the world itself fell into disrepair.

“Washington D.C. has been hit; thousands are trapped on the highways as the missiles continue to touch down. We repeat, do not enter any metro zones-“

Just a repeat message, the enormous fires burned all around now. Giant pillars of flame spreading, burning the sky black as night. There was freedom in seeing your death, but still, Bulk had to know when. The bombs still dropped, the beasts from the Moon were wild now, and free with nothing to stop them. They stalked the nights, best to go during the day. Dawn had broken outside, a sliver of light pouring through the hellish fires consuming the Earth. Bulk tested his switchblade, the sharp knife springing ready as it always had. Last night Skull had business, Bulk did not stop him.

Skull’s house was not so far away, an easy walk in the untouched suburban landscape. Trash littered the sidewalks, city workers had long since abandoned their posts, everything seemed abandoned, even the morals that kept society afloat.

Society was afloat, but adrift now, losing way in the violence of a turbulent storm. The porch screen door, the one Bulk had looked through so many years ago as a child; it was just the same then as now. The scene replayed in Bulk’s mind as he filled the door’s frame, looking into the house where Skull had taken so many beatings, for reasons Bulk could never fathom.

Only now, Skull’s father lay on the floor, blood oozing from an open wound. Skull breathed slowly, staring low, tears streaming down his face. Bulk looked in, afraid to knock, afraid to move. As time passed, he faded off and returned to the shack in Angel Grove Park. Skull returned, his blade clean, but hands covered in blood. Bulk shoved Skull, as an old friend does, and spoke. “Got that sparring at the Juice Bar too, huh?”

They laughed, together.

END OF CHAPTER 1

B-TV Walker, Texas Ranger: The Highest Power

 

Thanksgiving gives us time to take stock of what really matters in our lives and give thanks to those things that help us a long the way. Some might give thanks to family, country, or even God. I give thanks to Walker, Texas Ranger.

Why Walker? Because he just keeps on giving. The show is the platonic ideal of all guilty pleasures, a maniacal show of such subtle genius and absolute brain-busting stupidity that I’m hopelessly addicted.

There’s no way around it, I have to satisfy the addiction. And what better way than presenting seven whacked out moments of Highest Power, a Walker episode that sets new precedents in the field of foolishness.

1. Buddhists at the Fair!

 

Like our last episode, this episode’s major theme is spiritual. Instead of hokey Native American nonsense, we have hokey Buddhist nonsense. At some nondescript fair, attended by our favorite couple Texas Ranger Walker and Deputy District Attorney Cahill, a Buddhist monk and a kid are walking around discussing the concept of reincarnation. This is all well and good, but why at a fair? I guess Tibetan Monks want the full Texas experience. Either way they’re about to get it, as the usual band of chubby middle-class white guys / redneck gang bangers decide this is the perfect time to pick a fight with the elderly man, a child, and his mother. Texas is a harsh place, according to Walker.

Of course, Walker saves the day by swooping in. Thankfully, the Buddhist monk doesn’t pull out serious kung-fu, defying my lowest common denominator expectations.

I welcome you to one of Walker’s main features; dudes that just straight up swing at cops for no reason and never charged. Yes, this is one of the defining features of Walker, Texas Ranger. Anybody, guilty or not, will always try to attack Walker and friends for no reason, knowing that they are officers of the law. Walker never, and I mean never, even if Walker knows the guys are trying to escape a murder rap, will prosecute or arrest anyone for assaulting a police officer. Geez, I’d probably be prosecuted for assault of I looked at a cop funny. Honestly, I’m not even sure if the writers of Walker realize there’s a law against attacking the police.

There’s far more insanity this episode, I assure you.

2. CD’s Chili, and Buddhist Magic

 

If Walker makes a friend, and saving an elderly Monk counts, he takes them to sample CD’s finest Chili. Everyone loves it, and everyone has a better recipe than CD. This is a thing that happens several times a season.

Walker introduces CD to his gang of new Asian friends! There’s Master Rin, the monk in full regalia, the young boy Davey, and his mother Susan Lee. We’ll be seeing Davey and Susan Lee in future episodes, and they are without a doubt some of the most bonkers in the entire series. That’s for later.

Anyway, CD puts his hands together and bows to all the Asians, I guess because they’re… Asian? Okay, I get that that maybe for Master Rin, but what the hell CD? Susan Lee and Davey are Americans. Do you bow to every Asian person you see?

Anyway, this is where we get our first glimpses of Davey’s Buddhist Magic. He revives plant with his breathe, and plays a mean game of darts, throwing with pinpoint accuracy. Because that is how the great Buddha would want his gifts used, beating Walker at darts.

No, I’m not kidding.

Anyway, CD asks the first sensible question; why did Master Rin come to Texas? Well, he’s looking for the tulku, or a reincarnated lama. Five years ago, Master Rin’s teacher Lama Doujin passed away, and he thinks that Davey is his reincarnated form.

This is also where the show makes its first big gaff. Master Rin tells Walker that if Davey is indeed the tulku, he will come to Nepal. Except every future instance, Davey’s told he’ll go to Tibet. Oops.

Either way, Cahill is amazed to see blooming pink flowers on a previously dead plant. Walker smugly smirks and nods, because he knows everything and would never question a miracle performed right before his eyes.

 

Oh, and Master Rin invites Walker to witness Davey’s final test. They do the choosing toy thing, and Davey passes. Reviving dead plants thing was cool enough.

3. Short Legs > Long Legs

 

A few scenes earlier, our villain Chang showed up and beat up some guys in a gratuitous martial arts fight sequence. Don’t worry, there will be more of that. The early scene exists solely to inform the audience that Chang is badass, he destroys the Black Tiger gang and takes their sweet warehouse hang out to use as a base of operations. With that detail out of the way, he continues his nefarious plot.

Cut to Master Rin teaching Davey about Tibet, but because Davey is the tulku, he learns the lessons quick. What a smart kid. The scene continues, until Chang and his two goons show up. Master Rin tells Davey to run, Chang orders his thugs to catch Davey while he fights Master Rin. Chang, being a young guy, kicks poor Master Rin’s robes something fierce.

What do the goons do? They fail to catch up to Davey. At no point is it implied Davey can run faster than a regular child can, that he is even fast, or that he is cleverly escaped the two thugs. They just can’t catch up to him, period. On a flat surface. Two grown men.

 

He’s just too fast.

Chang breaks Master Rin’s neck, and the three villains make their exit. Walker and Trivette arrive, find Davey, and take Master Rin to the hospital where plot revelations abound.

4. Is this another one of your flashbacks?

Flashback time! Master Rin’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. Long ago, Lama Doujin was just a student, not yet a teacher. When a peasant from the village took offense at his inner peace and fought him. When the peasant punk lost, he tried to kill himself. Of course, Lama Doujin wasn’t havin’ none of that, and took his sword. The peasant, of course, killed himself many years later, but descended into madness first and swore revenge against Lama Doujin.

The peasant? CHANG.

That’s right, Chang is the reincarnation of a suicidal peasant from Tibet come to take revenge on the reincarnation of Lama Doujin for defeating him all those years ago!

Trivette, being the only one in the room with any sense, questions the logic behind all this back-story. He mutters this immortal line to Walker in response:

“This isn’t one of your Cherokee things, is it?”

Trivette, you’re officially my favorite character. The voice of reason, Trivette, tries to put this story together, asking if Chang wants to kill Davey. Of course not, Master Rin replies, Chang doesn’t want to kill Lama Doujin! If he did that, Doujin would just be reincarnated again. No, Chang plans to imprison Davey and turn him EVIL, which is the sort of plan only the writers of Walker try to take seriously.

Either way, Walker sends Davey and Susan Lee to “the ranch”, wherever that is.

 That contest is probably over, too.

Also, Chang sends his goons to take out Master Rin. Of course, Walker and Trivette ambush them. They escape by leaping out of a fifth story window. Trivette is puzzled; Walker is smugly satisfied, as usual. The goons escape thanks to magic. No explanation, just magic. The writers are telling us, every time something nonsensical happens in Walker, chalk that shit up to magic.

Trivette and Walker return to Master Rin, Trivette explaining that people don’t just disappear. According to Master Rin, they do. Master Rin offers us up some awesome on a platter with this awesomely asinine rant.

Master Rin: There are many who say that in the West, Science has become the only true God. That it is trusted completely, and its beliefs are so well regarded that they are actually considered to be laws. And indeed, it is a most powerful deity, the worship of science and technology has provided the West with many things, but there has been a cost.

Trivette: A cost?

Master Rin: Yes, for if you wish to make science a God, you must first kill magic.

Trivette: Magic? Alright, so you’re saying this is magic. You believe those guys just vanished?

Walker: *Smug satisfaction*

Master Rin: What did you see, Ranger Trivette?

Trivette: *Dumbfounded silence*

I think that speaks for itself. Trivette is the only likable character on this show.

5. Hijinks at the Ranch!

A mountain lion confronts Davey at the ranch. Davey sits while Walker STOPS his mother from trying to help. Then the scene cuts to horses in the yard.

Neither of these scenes have any point, except to get Davey and Walker away from the ranch long enough for Chang to kidnap Susan Lee.

6. Gratuitous Word-Fu!

 

Chang: So this is the vessel whose womb produced my enemy.

Yep.

Chang’s goons partake in a little sparring. This is pointless, because these guys never fight anyone this entire episode. Good job setting up nothing.

7. The Final Insult

Walker faces off against Chang in an honorable duel to save Susan Lee, Davey’s mom. They meet in an Asian-themed park area to duke it out. Why doesn’t Walker arrest Chang and his goons when they meet in the park? They know where to meet. Walker could set a trap. Trivette doesn’t even show for the fight! Master Rin even warned Walker that Chang would be a tough opponent, not to mention Chang would just kill himself again if he lost. Arrest? What’s that?

Anyway, Walker gets his ass handed to him by Chang. Unless you’re a reincarnated kung-fu master or a smart-DNA infused super soldier, no one beats Walker, so seeing him get crushed here is strangely satisfying. Hey, at least there’s some tension!

Anyway, Walker is down for the count. Until Davey lets loose with his face-magic, infusing Walker’s face with Davey’s face, refilling Walker’s health meter to full! His combo meter fills up too, so Walker makes a stunning comeback.

 

Flawless victory.

Walker rushes to protect Davey and company after Chang’s goons release Susan Lee.

Then, just as Master Rin said, Chang pulls out a short sword to kill himself, except this time there’s no Lama Doujin to stop him. Or is there? Davey stops this cowardly act, selflessly grasping Chang’s blade and cutting himself in the process. Truly, this child is Lama Doujin reborn!

The compassion shown by this child causes Chang to let go of the blade, as he gives himself in to the Texas authorities. Miraculously, Davey’s cut heals almost instantly.

Because Buddhists can do that now. Buddhists and Wolverine are now synonymous.

Before all this foolishness can sink in, we’re whisked away to the airport, where Davey cheers up his grieving mother Susan Lee as he leaves for Tibet with Master Rin. Tears give way to smiles as the miracle boy turns plastic airport plants into plastic airport plants festooned with pink clothe flowers. The end!

This episode raises so many questions about the universe, knowing Walker, one might assume the philosophy would be left and never touched again, so goes Walker’s one-and-done story telling. But, to my surprise, there is another episode featuring Davey and Susan Lee. Susan Lee becomes the go-to gal for Asian themed bunk this season, but the far more glorious return is with Davey, a long with a more… nuanced explanation for the miracles. Yes, this show feels the need to further explain its complete nonsense.

What keeps me coming back to Walker are episodes like these. I tune in expecting a generic adventure/action police jaunt with some shooting and some of Chuck’s good ol’ kung-fu skills. There are plenty of episodes like that, sure, but Walker, Texas Ranger is truly special when it tackles the supernatural – both scientific and faith-based. The strange Podunk faith expressed in the show combined with the earnest and completely unironic delivery make this show a treasure trove of fun. I’m jealous of the creators, they probably had a ton of fun.

B-TV Walker, Texas Ranger : The White Buffalo

I love “Walker, Texas Ranger” because it is insane. Early in the nineties some guys with problems in their brains got together and decided to make a television show based on some books that was kind of like Law & Order if it was an adventure show. The show was boring and everyone hated it (May not be a fact.) but then Chuck Norris lent out his golden pipes to sing for us a theme song in which the chorus accompanies himself. That alone is awesome.

The show went on to get really good, following everyone’s favorite Chuck Norris guy Cordell Walker and his black buddy Trivette as they fought crime throughout Texas and the world, though luckily for them all the world’s crime came to Texas. I’m not joking. In the episode “Second Chance” two competing IRA leaders visit Texas, where apparently Irish pubs filled with Irishmen complete with thick accents is a common thing. Like most episodes following the first couple of boring years, Walker started to get oddly saccharine – one IRA leaders’ daughter traveled to Texas for a transplant. Luckily, Walker has found just the dupe, a boy from a local anti-drug group! His parents are nowhere in sight, before or after a major surgery. In the world of Walker, there are heroes and villains, bad-guys will murder children in a heartbeat but good law-abiding folk tend to be saints on Earth. Speaking of saints, in the episode “Saving Grace” a band of nefarious bank robbers hold Nuns hostage, complete with generic ‘faith’ interludes and shots of doves flying around. Does it mean anything? No. The creators of Walker want to present a wholesome image of good-guys and religion, but they’re always vaguely noncommittal about their portrayal.

Portrayed they were anyway! And how, “Crusader” follows an aging Rowdy Roddy Piper as he literally yells and points at his ceiling for extending monologues with God. It is hilarious, the only thing funnier is another God-centric episode, “In God’s Hands” which is the mother of all very special episodes, following the trial of Walker’s buddy Trivette after he supposedly shoots a kid. I’ll save that for later, because Walker, Texas Ranger  is not smart enough for the kind of material it tries to handle. Hell, in the episode “Warriors” its implied Buddhist monks can communicate with people telepathically. That episode was also about genetic super soldier programs funded by Nazis, so maybe they weren’t going for realism.

All this Walker talk is simply to prepare you. “The White Buffalo” does not have Buddhist psychics, super soldiers, Nuns, Irish terrorists, or shooting kids. We’re trading generic Christian pathos with awkward Native American pathos today, and it is worth it.

The episode begins with a little girl named Fawn and her Mother tending a lemonade stand. Fawn is pouting because her Mother can’t get off work tomorrow to take her to the Tall Grass Prairie to visit the spot her father used to take her before he died. The exchange some dialogue, Fawn pleads, but it’s no dice. The lemonade stand would just fall apart with Mommy. Cut to Walker and his girlfriend Alex talking about a White Buffalo while staring at a White Buffalo statue. And yes, Alex is Walker’s girlfriend, though they were both already married in the non-Walker world. Seeing two adults that age that aren’t even engaged yet act like they’ve been married since the beginning of time gets weird. Despite all that, the real importance of that scene is in our introduction to the White Buffalo.

Walker exposits to Alex that the White Buffalo was important to certain Native American religions and that they were real but rare, my miniscule amount of research corroborates you Walker. He also says that a hunter at the Tall Grass Prairie shot a White Buffalo! Wait, wasn’t Fawn going to the Tall Grass Prairie? Get ready for meaningfulness.

Sydney, another one of the Texas Rangers arrives and offers to buy lemonade! Wow, lemonade. It turns out Fawn’s Mom is some kind of lemonade savant, because their lemonade is the best at this entire… fair? Where are they? We also learn that Sydney, a full time Texas Ranger, has more time off than a lemonade stand cashier because she coaches the local Soccer team attended by Fawn! Also, Sydney’s having more fun than the kids, or she says so at least. All this dialogue is so awkwardly delivered and with so many pauses I wonder if the director even did a second take, or if the actors were just reading cue cards. The three laugh it up and arrive at the stand, and Fawn doesn’t take any of Alex’s compliments and storms off. Mommy dearest is interrogated on Fawn, and eventually Alex and Sydney agree to take the girl to the Prairie themselves, to the spot where the White Buffalo was killed. For agreeing to baby-sit, Walker and the women get free lemonade! Score!

Okay, so that’s not exactly exciting material for an episode, not yet at least. Hang onto your butts, turbulence is ahead.

Gage, the white dumb Ranger is with Trivette. The two talk about dating each other and… I’m just going to move on. They get a call on the radio, shots fired at a convenience store. Trivette states the store is only a few miles from them, and Gage suggests they go. Rangers can choose which crimes they respond to? Were they just cruising around? Don’t Rangers have a specific job that separates them from the regular police department? You know what, never mind.

Cut to the convenience store, surrounded by cops. The place isn’t being robbed, instead it’s menaced by two raving jackasses. The scraggly haired guy decides this would be a perfect time for a sing-a-long and grabs a nearby redhead to accompany him in a rousing rendition of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. This is a thing that happens.

Trivette and Gage arrive just in time! The goons inside constantly fire rounds randomly, in the air and at the police, but these cops just sit there! Were they waiting for the Rangers to come before… I don’t know, doing something? I don’t think its standard procedure for police to just point their guns at madly firing madmen. It’s not like they’d be making the situation any worse. Either way, Trivette and Gage kick ass and save the audience from anymore awkward singing. After the brawl, a paramedic informs the Rangers that the two gentlemen were drugged out, according to his expert medical analysis. He knows what got the two so strung-out, it’s a new drug that just hit the streets. This one isn’t just bad, it’s after-school special bad. The new drug is called White Buffalo (Meaningful!).

Cue Native American chanting and a close-up of the White Buffalo statue super-imposed over fire and a tribal dance. Yep.

The statue of the White Buffalo is crying. This is really happening.

Now we’re at the hospital! Trivette and Gage are interrogating Mick, one of the druggy nut-bunnies. They want to know where he got the drugs. He tells them he got it from some dude named Frasier. Frasier Crane? Radio isn’t as popular as it used to be, but come on.

Walker takes the credit when he returns to the Ranger Station with Trivette. They constantly reiterate how the White Buffalo drug is the strongest stuff they’ve ever seen, like a new bad guy in a crappy comic, everyone has to say just how bad this new guy is or we poor readers might actually have to come to that conclusion ourselves. Walker decides to check out the lead, and the four head on down to a wretched drug den.

It’s a smorgasbord of pleasure! Walker demands they open up, but before they even get a chance, he kicks down the door with gun drawn. The bad guys scramble, and kung-fu happens all over the place. The new rangers succeed in shooting a guy too, so that’s cool for them. Cut to another interrogation scene, Gage and Sydney question one of the druggies named Riker. Number 2, wasn’t the Enterprise enough for you?

Riker doesn’t know nothin’, except that more White Buffalo is about to hit the streets.

And we’re back at the fair, and I spot a sign. The festival is called… “White Buffalo Days”. Huh. I guess that explains the statue. Sydney and Alex pick up Fawn and take her to the Tall Grass Prairie. I’m disappointed, there’s no tall grass. Also, despite the fact Alex was just driving through the field without a road before, they stop the car seven miles away from the spot and walk. Why?

Another scene at Ranger Central that exists solely to tell us White Buffalo is smarter than Batman and stronger than Goku. Apparently, the stuff is a mixture of mescaline, PCP, and heroin. Kind of like Neapolitan ice cream! Walker knows his mescaline, quickly stating that it is a derivative of peyote. His Cherokee ancestry blessed him with that knowledge. Gage suddenly remembers that some guy he busted was on drugs, so maybe he knows about white buffalo! Brilliant! Meanwhile Trivette and Walker form the classic team and head to the reservation to talk to some overdoses.

Fawn and the ladies reach the White Buffalo monument where mementos are left to honor those that have died, no wonder Fawn wanted to come on the one-year anniversary of her father’s death. Suddenly I wonder why her mom didn’t make time.

Not so far away, ominous music hits. In a shack, some ugly guys are playing with their elementary school chemistry kits. Corban is on the phone with some buyers and sets himself up as the boss of this drug shack. WHOOSH! We’re back at the Festival! And… a crowd is forming around the White Buffalo statue. Leona, Fawn’s mom checks it out. Old lady states, “Look, the buffalo is crying!” You’re telling me, lady.

Just look at that. Again. This shot is reused about six times. I’ll try to spare you the rest.

So, White Buffalo is a drug being made with a derivative of peyote (Which is used in some Native American religious ceremony.) near the site where a real White Buffalo was killed by (presumably white) hunters during a festival called White Buffalo Days that features as its main attraction a statue of a White Buffalo that has begun to cry. Yep, Walker is that kind of show.

Native American chants begin as the camera zooms in on this wise old man.

A plucky journalist is already on the scene after the commercial break to report on the crying buffalo statue. She blandly states that there is as of yet no “plausible explanation for the phenomenon” but promises to keep the eager public posted on any new developments. The crowd around the statue is still huge despite hours passing. This entire set-up is obviously knocking off the crying Mary statuary craze of the late ‘90s, but I guarantee no one stood around those statues for more than an hour. I’m just saying, White Buffalo Days must be dull.

Gage interrogates a chump at prison. The guy doesn’t want to give up his dealer, but Gage promises to put in a good word for the prisoner at the D.A.’s office! The prisoner wonders if Gage might shaft him, which sounds like innuendo but isn’t. But, seriously, a word with the D.A.? Come on Gage, these stakes are hardly high but both guys act like this is some hot plea bargain. This deal plain sucks, and of course the prisoner gives up his contact.

Gage sets up a buy with the unnamed dealer, I guess the writers decided naming each and every one of these pointless stepping block criminals was getting too hard.

Alex, Sydney and Fawn take a break from hiking to hear a plane fly overhead. Now isn’t that odd, a plane landing all the way out there. Sydney is on the case, she sets off to check things out.

Corban leads his goon squad to meet the buyer, making sure to position his pistol in optimal crotch-shooting position, with a finger on the trigger even. I’m guessing nobody went over firearm safety with this guy. Another doughy guy in a white shirt, like all Walker, Texas Ranger villains, struts to check out the stuff. Corban orders his Native American friend to open up a suitcase of play money.

Sydney witnesses the trade-off, is caught, and fights a couple of guys, the usual. Another normal day with the Texas Rangers, I guess. She hightails it back over to the other two as goons pursue. Alex states she heard gunfire, Fawn replying that it’s coming from where Sydney went. Alex, clearly with a child’s safety in mind, runs towards the gunfire with Fawn. Sydney runs into Alex and Fawn, with Native American bad-guy right behind. Native American bad-guy appears to be quite the hunter, he brushes the ground for a second and knows just how many is in their group and which way they went. Stereotypes!

Meanwhile, Walker and Trivette lament the ravishes of the White Buffalo. Then Walker gets a phone call, Leona has important news, the White Buffalo Statue is crying! This leads to my favorite line from Trivette, who says what we’re all thinking; “What?” The two senior most Texas Rangers rush off to investigate! But, the old wise man stops them before they can rush off, and apparently his name is Gray Fox (Hehe.) but he doesn’t want Snake to hurt him more so everything is cool. Gray Fox, instead of sacrificing himself in a battle against Metal Gear, informs Walker that the tribal council will be meeting tonight. The council requests Walker’s attendance because they need his help… for something.

The girls are still being chased; Sydney tries to cover her tracks in the sand. This would work, if the two chasers didn’t see her first and open fire. They actually manage to hit her in the shoulder this time. Sydney hides thanks to some careful camera angles that keep the audience from realizing she’s in plain sight of the bad guy. Another brawl ensues, and the bad-guy gets his ass kicked by a girl a second time. She steals his gun and runs, which must be symbolic of his masculinity.

Trivette is asking questions again while Walker drives to the tribal council. “Exactly who is Gray Fox?” He’s the Cyber Ninja, not much to explain, dude. I really feel sorry for Trivette, he is always the one guy with any perspective in this show. Walker explains that Gray Fox is a wise and respected tribal leader. I’m a really good guesser. Trivette explains that the crying buffalo statue is an elaborate hoax to drum up interest in the festival. “It’s a publicity stunt.” He continues, to Walker’s smug bemusement. Walker offers no opinion, but treats Trivette like a petulant child for questioning the authenticity of a crying buffalo statue. Did I ever mention that Walker is kind of a dick in the series? He kind of is.

Sydney meets up with Alex and Fawn. Seeing something called Tiger Moss, Fawn begins to treat Sydney’s wound. Fawn is one with nature, because she is Native American you see. Actually, apparently her father taught her. So I’m just a jackass.

Then Fawn rushes off alone to create a false trail to confuse the bad guys. Sydney’s been shot, but what’ Alex’s excuse? She just stands there as a child runs off alone in a forest prowling with armed criminals. Good one Alex, no wonder you never made D.A.

Corban does the first smart thing this episode. When one of the goons returns to tell him Sydney is still alive and they need more help, he sends help and packs up the rest of the White Buffalo lab, uprooting the operation before cops come. Well played, Corban.

Unsurprisingly, Fawn’s false trails work. Consider yourself bought, time.

Then Walker and Trivette arrive at the Festival! Why? And weren’t they heading for the Tribal Council? I don’t even know anymore. This episode is all interrogations and driving. Walker orders Trivette to get a sample of the White Buffalo tears. Why?! The only way any of this would make sense is if the White Buffalo cried clues.

Gage has finally arrived at that drug deal, apparently taking place at the Lipstick Gentleman’s Club, which sounds like a real classy establishment. Gage introduces himself as Shane to the drug dealer, Axel-T. This episode is chock full of criminal names. Gage entices Axel-T with a fat wad of black and white bills. Look at that money.

Gage wants one-hundred vials of White Buffalo, because he parties just that hard. Axel-T clearly doesn’t carry that much White Buffalo, so he runs off to make a pick-up at the local drugstore. Gage follows in tepid pursuit.

Between the commercial break, Walker drove back to the Cherokee Nation tribal committee place, where a bunch of guys in impressive garb are dancing around a huge fire.

Gray Fox explains the premise of the episode, mainly that the spirit of the White Buffalo has been dishonored so now he’s crying a lot until Walker dropkicks some drug dealers to restore the White Buffalo’s honor. Walker agrees because he was probably going to go do that anyway.

Trivette informs Walker that Sydney and Fawn haven’t come back from their hike yet, and that’s it’s almost been two hours! WHAT

The timeframe on this episode is completely out of whack, I’m honestly lost as to how any of these events are connected, with all the driving around and scene transitions taking place at all different times of day, a casual viewer might imagine DAYS passing, or at least a couple hours more than two. Trivette thinks they got lost, so Walker decides they need to drop all this police work to go look for Alex! His sex life is on the line, after all.

Corban and his thugs take all the drugs and vamoose, leaving the wimpy guy behind to watch the shack. Walker discovers Alex’s empty car, and proves why walking is stupid when he just freakin’ drives up to the drug shack. Walker is a man of action, not a man of walking. Also, Walker knows this area so well he recalls the abandoned shed by memory.

Of course, Walker and Trivette break in to give wimpy henchman one more beating. Between all that, the reporter at the festival exposits that the statue’s tears have been analyzed, revealing that they are in fact real tears. What, are the writers saying the tears are real buffalo tears? Or just tears? Buffalo don’t cry, so is the buffalo statue crying human tears? What is happening? The writers continue to bludgeon us as the reporter reminds us there is a drug called White Buffalo, and asks whether there is a connection or whether this is all just a coincidence. Neither, just hack writing.

Using the wimpy henchman as a guide, Walker and Trivette arrive just in time to save the girls from a severe case of lead poisoning. There might be some tension in this scene before Walker arrives, but everyone knows the bad-guys are dead meat. Walker examines Sydney’s wound after the brawl by… feeling one of her braids? Creepy.

We reach our final interrogation scene as Walker threatens to break Native American henchman’s neck, the exact same tactic he used five minutes earlier on Wimpy henchmen. Did I mention Walker is kind of a dick?

Thankfully for assumptions, this scene ends and we’re whisked away to the big White Buffalo deal going down at ye olde hangar. Trivette and Walker bust up Corban and his goons, and the audience is treated to the same scene twice of Corban looking at his watch and saying, “C’mon, they’ll be here soon.” Editing, what’s that? Unsurprisingly, the flannel-clad chumps don’t stand a chance against the rangers. Corban is the only one that wises up, whipping out a chainsaw. Walker disarms him with a two-by-four. Lumber beats chainsaw, I guess.

Looks like Walker has everything under control, until the buyer shows up with his own band of thugs. Yep, this is why police usually call for back up. This vaguely foreign newcomer menaces Walker and Trivette until Gage shows up a second later. I guess Gage was sneaking behind them the whole time? Either way, Gage kills a guy. So I guess he feels cool and tension is averted! The day is saved.

At the Festival, researchers have arrived to study where the tears are coming from. Just as they’re about to give their verdict, a report arrives over Journalist woman’s ear piece, informing her that Texas Rangers have captured the drug lord Lance Corban, the mastermind behind White Buffalo, the drug, I mean. Not the statue.

Well, the statue hears this and is cheering right up because it immediately stops crying. I guess we’ll never know if this was a hoax or divine intervention now! Thanks Walker, couldn’t have waiting a few more minutes to catch those bad-guys? Hilariously, the same lady that announced the crying White Buffalo to the world announces to the masses that it has “Stopped crying!”

Gage explains how he saved Walker and Trivette, but knowing this show, if he just said he found them thanks to magic I would be convinced. The cast hangs around Sydney’s hospital bed, until Gage finishes his story, and then they all decide to leave. I mean, “Let her rest.” Gage decides to stay, because he wants to bang Sydney. The single female ranger is visibly shaken by his offer to stay. Trivette expresses disbelief about all that crying statue stuff, and Walker offers a smarmy non-answer.

And so the episode ends.

Well, first we’re treated to this.

Now the episode ends. A blurry Photoshop filtered image of a real bison dragged through a black and white filter. Sometimes I watch a bad movie or read a bad book and I think, “I could do better than that!” Most of the time that’s complete crap, but every once in awhile, a real production that cost real money lets you know that doing better isn’t just a possibility, but you’d have to actively try to do worse.

November is going to be good, I can feel it.

TextSplosion – Valkyria Chronicles II

I have something terrible to admit. I own a PSP. I may be the last man in North America to own one. The only solace I can take is that it was a gift.

And yet, the PSP is completely awesome. Don’t believe me? Two incredible games, some of the best games of the year, were released on PSP. One good game being released on the PSP is a minor miracle, but two of the best? I don’t know which Shinto god/goddess represents the PSP, but surely they must be behind this.

The first of these fine games was Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, a game simultaneously grounded and whacked out beyond belief. Che Guevarra analogues fighting giant robots built to sustain world peace – Hideo Kojima, please never leave us. What could possibly compare to the madness that is Metal Gear Solid? A little game called Valkyria Chronicles II. And yes, I was embarrassed to say it’s name to the check-out girl.

If you’ve never heard of the Valkyria Chronicles series, I don’t blame you. The first game was a PS3 exclusive released to critical acclaim but quiet retail. The game didn’t exactly sell like hotcakes in the United States or Japan, and I loved it. I’m a sucker for turn-based strategy, and Valkyria Chronicles chews the genre up and spits it out.

Valkyria Chronicles is a hard game to describe as far as gameplay is concerned. Just know this, it is unique, and it requires a little thought. Like any squad-based strategy game, you outfit and select a team to go on missions that take place on maps. Each character has a little icon, you spend command points to take direct control of characters one at a time until you’ve destroyed the evil rebel enemy. Playing this game is fun, picking and choosing your characters, upgrading your units into unique classes that changes the way you play and unlocking new special weapons to research is addictive as get-out.

One aspect of the game, though, must be addressed. In the first Valkyria Chronicles (Valkonickles for short.) you played as a militia of mildly exasperating stereotypes common among stock Japanese characters that loved to lecture on the horrors of war and the wonders of peace despite being unstoppable killing machines that took part in countless missions involving the killing of dozens of enemy soldiers with only the most basic lip-service given to the enemy’s humanity. And Jewish-analogues facing extermination camps lecture on race relations. That is something that happens.

You know how I said that was all mildly exasperating? Honestly, the story of Valkonicles wasn’t that bad. Honestly, I kind of liked it. Here’s the but. Valkyria Chronicles II ups the annoyance level by a factor of infinite.

There was no point during the entire narrative I didn’t want to punch the main character. Not that he isn’t such a bad guy, but he’s hot-headed. He’s a hot-headed Japanese character, that is his sole character trait. Our female lead (Cosette, as if you cared.) might as well be named “Idealized Japanese Woman”, she is clumsy and stupid but faced a traumatic past that can be cured by the power of friendship. The dark-haired guy? He’s the Jewish-Analogue. No, he isn’t a Jewish stereotype, he’s just the oppressed character trying to prove himself.

As much as these characters were horrible and cloying… my stone heart kind of softened. This is a Japanese High School Drama, through and through. Something base and primal makes me despise Japanese High School dramas, I want to destroy them. I don’t know if I’d be able to stop myself if given the option to destroy all Japanese High Schools… but, the violently insipid story portions eventually won me over too. Why?

Because of Joachim, man. Joachim is awesome.

Let me explain. The only character you have to bring with you on every mission is Avan, which is suspiciously close to beauty product company Avon. Everyone else is up to you, and many of these characters are awesome.

Joachim eventually runs around with a big shield and a giant sword, while wearing a beanie. That’s awesome. If you’re playing Valkonicles II right now and need some advice, bring ex-Imperial soldier Helmut. After hearing Cosette squeek “I’m sorry!” after shorting some rebel in the face, it’s refreshing to see Helmut straight out grunt “Good.” Cosette, you’re not sorry. You shot a dude in the face. At least Helmut is honest about his homicidal tendencies.

The game’s biggest problem is that it isn’t on a big-time console. I suppose the game could work on the DS, gameplay wise, but the lengthy (skippable) dialogue sessions might be too much for the two-screened wonder. The saddest thing is, it took me over 50 hours to finish this game. Way over 50 hours. That blows my mind. I think I need medical help.

Turn-based strategy with Japanese High School students is better than it sounds.

TextSplosion – Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar

Everyone knows Stalin, a larger than life historical figure best known as a tyrannical villain on the world stage whose penchant for terrors only overshadowed his facetious facial hair. Stalin’s image is everywhere, most contemporarily in the style of the late Saddam Hussein, a self-styled Stalin in his own way. The most troubling aspect of Joseph Stalin to Americans was his perceived popularity. His people greeted the dictator as a hero. This conflict strikes the very core of Stalin, as a human being, the subject Simon Sebag-Montefiore, author of Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar, is most interested in.

Part biography and part rag sheet dishing out dirt on the vast political family that was the Soviet Politburo, the author sweeps away preconceptions of these all too human, often adorable, often despicable individuals. The novel describes Stalin as both a violent mass-murderer and a sensitive respectful leader. Scenes describing his aloof response to the starvation of thousands juxtaposed with descriptions of Stalin carefully comforting a distraught driver after a car accident. Written in a breezy style that spins a complex and disheartening narrative of Russia’s rise as a world superpower, Stalin expounds not only on the more personal aspects of the political giant.

Much of the book’s unique histories come from personal anecdotes taken from the letters and mouths of the sons and daughters of the political class. Through careful study, the author paints a complete picture of Bolshevik society from the POV of Stalin’s court from the early days of modesty to the post-war frivolities. While kept in the political strata mostly, stories from regular citizens and workers are woven throughout to give perspective on a country in constant upheaval.

Sebag-Montefiore makes no excuses for the Communists, taking several forays into picking apart their philosophy, one explosive segment even likening Communist ideology with Islamic Extremism. This harsh tact is balanced by the genuine humanity discussed of this gaggle of fat, sickly old men. One of the funniest sections describes the Soviet leadership as a collection of hypochondriacs, sensitive men and women writing to each other describing their many medical issues. Even this detail is eyed under the Bolshevik microscope, the book theorizes that medicine was among the only luxuries afforded them and the majordomos took every advantage of that.

As a history, Stalin is electrifying. As dense as it is breezy, the novel reads like an eight-hundred page issue of Vanity covering subjects more appealing and dangerous than any Hollywood celebrity. These vast political giants are laid bare, their bloviating stripped away to reveal even Stalin himself as eerily familiar.

Slumming on the SNES – MMPR: The Movie

Time for another drunken waltz down the alleyway of shame located conveniently in the gaming slums. Because no one can stop me, I’m playing another Power Rangers videogame for the SNES, and it is yet another movie tie-in. While this game is a tie-in, as mentioned in my previous foray into rainbow colored spandex, “The Movie” is actually a sequel to the first Power Rangers game on Super Nintendo. The game actually features many improvements, not limited to but mostly involving COMPLETE INSANITY.

In all honesty, as far as brawlers go, this one is pretty normal. Remember the random alien interludes and secret underground fight clubs with secret entrances located on the batting mounds of gigantic baseball stadiums in Streets of Rage 2? Where the madness really sets in is when one remembers that this is a Power Rangers based off of a kid’s television show. The Fighting Edition actually stuck pretty close to the show, despite the bald wizard in a tube Zordon deciding his giant robots needed to dismantle each other between monster battles. This game on the other hand was clearly handed over to a bunch of Japanese guys, given a couple of promotional stills from the television show, and told to make a game at gunpoint.

And make a game those guys did. The first hint of improvement over the previous game is that this one is co-op. A brawler that can’t be played with a friend can hardly be called a brawler at all. Of course, I finished this game alone for two very good reasons; 1. I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone to play a Power Rangers game, and 2. I have no friends. You and your theoretical buddy have six rangers to choose from.

Here is where the questions first begin. Where did these headshots come from and why would anyone think they’d look good? Tommy and Kimberly are the only two that barely look promotional. The others look like pixilated mug shots. Maybe that’s the designer’s way of telling us who to pick, but everyone knows that Tommy and Kimberly are the only rangers worth picking. Of course I went with Tommy, otherwise known as that guy that’s a UFC fighter now. He’s also known as the JesusRanger, because he died and on the third day rose again – it happened, watch the show.

The first level is Angel Grove, ho-hum, about what you’d expect. There is some strangeness, first of all…

Those colored guys are Putties. I never really understood their designs. Training bras and kneepads? Maybe Lord Zedd recruits from Angel Grove’s High School Girls’ Volleyball team. But, that isn’t important. What is important is that they’re riding motorcycles. Motorcycles emblazoned by the letter Z. That’s right; Lord Zedd produces his own brand of motorcycles just for his henchmen to joyride on the sidewalks of Angel Grove.

What I assumed were innocent motorists turned out to be vile enemies of good. These must be for cruising the strip for honeys. The Mad Gear Gang wishes they were this stylin’.

The fun really starts by the second level. By now, the game has gone completely off the rails.

Our Ranger of choice, after saving Angel Grove Mall from one of Lord Zedd’s blimps (?) rushes to the port, procures a speedboat, sails for a nearby Aircraft Carrier, collides with a rock (Or perhaps a small island.) which acts as a ramp, jumping the boat onto the deck of said carrier, while leaping off the side. The Rangers would still be on the air today if this was the sort of thing common on Power Rangers.

This is no normal Aircraft Carrier. Yes, Lord Zedd has himself a floating fortress. That unknown period between the television show and the movie got crazy. Zedd’s really upped his game; the Carrier is adorned with Jet Fighters that strafe the surface and gun turrets, while putties parachute down. Who flies the airplanes? Putties? They die in one punch; the G-forces alone would tear them apart!

They have mortars too, which is also something.

The next level is our requisite snow level, this one involving a lot of jumping and dodging obstacles while racing down a mountain. I don’t know why the rangers are here; it looks like they’re raiding the bad guy’s ski slope. That’s just a dick move.

The rangers aren’t the only assholes here, the level designers decided the game was just a bit too easy before, so they ramped (Pun intended?) up the difficulty for this one. This level is tough, it is the only level in the game that just straight-up requires memorization, and is by far the most difficult level, including the last.

From Ice Mountain and River sledding our ranger lands on a train, driven by Robo-Conductor here. This must be a supply train, rushing much needed Diesel Fuel to the front-lines, as the only obvious cargo are huge drums that explode when they’re punched.

Once the Rangers see to it that Zedd’s trains will never run on time again, my favorite goons show up on the destroyed bridge ahead.

These putties are packing heat!

Literally! Finally these guys get a clue. Put away the kung-fu and strap up, gangland style.

When the Rangers arrive at Lord Zedd’s nuclear power plant, things get serious. Robots are go.

When robots fail, their most diabolical creation yet is deployed.

A few punches and this sucker is done. Not even ninjas can stop us! And, no, I don’t know where any of this stuff is coming from. At least the first tank actually drove around a little; the second one just sits there.

And drops crates on you. It should come as no surprise what else that nefarious Zedd has up his sleeve.

Intercontinental ballistic missiles, of course! For when making your monsters grow just isn’t enough. And just take a guess what controls these missiles.

Motherbrain? Get back to Zebes. Samus wants to have a word with you.

After all that nonsense, the main man finally shows himself…

Yep, it’s Ivan Ooze again. Where’s Zedd, everything is labeled Z. Did Ooze steal all his stuff? I don’t care. He dies like everyone else, except he gets his own level so you don’t have to restart if you die. That’s a plus. And of course, he’s a load bearing super villain. His death sets off the self-destruct, and when it looks like all hope is lost…

The Megazord smashes into the mountain lair! Oh, so that’s where that place was. The rangers cheer, even though only two of them tops did anything to help.

And, after all that, the ending is typical Mighty Morphin’ fair, with White and Red duking it out. I’m oddly disappointed, while the game barely resembles a Power Rangers plot (Which isn’t bad, really.) I still feel like something is missing.

Wait…

It can’t be.

Bulk and Skull!

Sometimes, God does listen.

Idea Guy: “N” A lesson in Simplicity.

            How easy is it to forget what simplicity can do? Sometimes the absence of some elements helps bring to light those that are most important. Many games rely on visual and auditory splendor to carry them, sometimes at the cost of more important elements like gameplay and story, but this is the story of how meager means created a masterpiece in simplicity, a game whose very title speaks volumes from nothing, N.

            N is an independently produced flash game by Metanet, and it’s FREE! With the myriad other free games available online, it takes some effort to filter out the bad to net out the good, yet from the development perspective, it’s difficult to make something that distinguishes your game from the plethora of spectacle shooters and cheesy boxing games whose level of difficulty has a direct correlation to your ability to spaz out on the keyboard. Even more difficult is to rise out of that lot to develop a professional version that actually sells.

            As it turns out, less is actually more when it comes to these free flash games, and N takes this concept and uses it to emphasis its key feature: Gameplay. The story is simple, you are a Ninja who thrives on gold and whose only objective is to escape alive. The story is almost needless except in its direction of gameplay mechanics. Left, Right and Jump are your only tools, but there is near infinite variety created by angled or curved environments and only a handful of enemies. Even more remarkable is the pacifistic nature of the little Ninja. So few games can get away with having no combative elements.

            The trick to N’s success comes, in part, from its refinement. Go take a look at the tutorials on the website and you begin to appreciate the love and care that went into the mathematics behind the game. If you’re uninterested in the development process, the refinement is still in play. The rules of movement are tricky at first, but with continued play every surface and springboard will create a series of expectations that can easily be executed.

            The refinement can also be found in what was removed to keep the game from being visually cluttered. So much of the gameplay relies on that precise movement that extraneous visual elements would disorient the player, especially since the player has to differentiate the little ninja from the entirety of the map he’s being navigated through. Keeping the objects simple also keeps the gameplay smooth regardless of the machine it’s being played on, therefore limiting the likelihood that the precision might be lost to an issue of lag.

            In addition to the obvious gameplay benefits, there’s something a little more subtle going on. Many of these free flash games had a lot of time invested in the look and sound to distract the player from bad gameplay. Certainly, there is a niche for such games, which are often fun little displays, but have little lasting appeal. N is the sort of game that can be played repeatedly because it’s bare elements design allows for hundreds of distinct levels, and no one skimped on the quality of play just to make it look snazzy.

            Still, N manages to use those bare elements to create a distinct visual cues and a wide range of environments that, though grayscale, generate an image of an underground lab, a cave, or a Cloud City, as the level names choose to suggest.

            There are other games that use the same limited palate and spartan object set to great effect. Take Canabalt for instance, which has absolutely no preface at all and simply sets you running for as long as you can. In this case the minimalist qualities aren’t for purposes of gameplay, but to set a stark mood that communicates whatever terror it is that set the player character running with no apparent provocation. Or perhaps Limbo, a recent XBLA title that whose only ‘writing’ comes in the form of a blurb about the game that’s not even within the game itself. Limbo is using the grayscale, moodily lit world to the same effect that Canabalt does, but with the added import that we are projecting our own story onto the character of the boy.

            These examples use minimalism to affect the player with a certain mood, but does N do this as well? The emotions involved in playing N are less a result of the visual style and more the repetitive action of running, jumping, and sliding your way through obstacles. So while the simplicity of the game isn’t directly conjuring an emotional response, it is standing aside so that the thrill of being chased by a giant hunting eyeball robot isn’t diminished by the appearance of said robot.

            N takes platforming to it’s limits, often requiring the player to play, fail, rinse, repeat until finally all the elements align and a stream of near perfect (depending on your perspective) gameplay leads to a little victory dance at the exit. The level designs, while having many repeating features, require a more than jumping over an enormous green pipe or rolling into a morph ball to duck into a vent. There’s a lot more verticality and lethality to these levels.

            The consequence of the added challenge is frequent death, which brings with it all the moaning and groaning of failure. In that capacity, it helps to have such a levels that aren’t brimming with colorful or detailed textures, which, after the 197th attempt is going to seem a bit overwhelming. Again, the minimalism is playing to the game’s core strength, Gameplay.

            When the game was offered in XBLA as N+, it was exciting to see what would change, given there was so much room for there to be more. The most dramatic advancement was the addition of music, which, though catchy, suffers under repetition. The inclusion of scarves and other colorful elements on the ninja were fun little ways to give the game a little more personality, and the light backgrounds break up a bit of the monotony. However, these innovations pale in comparison to the achievement of the original flash version. Sorry, no explosions here, just awesomeness.

B-TV Bonanza: The Littlest Hobo – War Games

Canadian dog shows? Yes, definitely.

If you aren’t already in the know, The Littlest Hobo is an aforementioned Canadian dog show focusing on the exploits of its title character – Hobo the German Shepard. Hobo wonders around and gets people out of trouble. Why would a dog get himself involved in the lives of random people? I don’t know. Hobo has nothing better to do.

We’re taking a look at a season three episode, and while hardly the craziest episode of this oft-crazy show it does have moments of sublime beauty.

The opening credits always give me a chuckle. When I think of cheap Canadian family shows from the early ‘80s, that title card comes to mind.

 

Yes, War Games. A show about a dog wondering around will involve war. While that might seem crazy, just remember that Hobo has already gone up against terrorists and international spies.

The episode begins with our lead character Linda Garr walking through the forest, Hobo in hot pursuit. As Linda walks past a sign clearly labeled “No Trespassing”, Hobo tries to give her some learning by pointing the sign out.

 

Linda tells Hobo that she’s just taking a shortcut and promptly crosses the fence. Yes, as a dog show everyone talks to Hobo – usually just to provide exposition. Obviously Hobo understands everything they say, despite being unable to reply. This is a dog show after all. Lassy knew English, Hobo picked it up somewhere along his adventures through the northern wastes.

As Linda walks through the fields, with Hobo in hot pursuit, we’re introduced to our second episode-only human. This guy is Ken, and he’s a bit of a spazz.

Ken yells for Linda to stop, following her into the field. Linda must be wearing earplugs because only a very loud noise gets her attention. Ken trundles after her until…

Poor Ken, we barely knew ye.

The mine blast gets Linda and Hobo’s attention. They rush back to help the injured Ken (Of course he isn’t dead!) that we know is injured because his uniform’s sleeve is ripped. As Linda helps Ken up, he begins to complain of blindness. And he begins to freak out.

Not only did stepping on a landmine not hurt Ken’s legs at all, but the full force of the blast caught him right between the eyes. Huh?

Actually, Ken explains the landmine was just for practice, and wasn’t a real landmine. And yet I am still baffled how the explosion selectively sprayed his eyes. Linda helps this doof up and the two search for help. While Linda and Ken find an old shack/barn to sit in, Hobo goes off on his own. He finds Red Team; you see Red Team and Blue Team are the competing factions of the titular “War Games”. Red Team is a little slow though, as a lingering shot shows Hobo trot right into their camp and steal their medical bag.

While the entire team watches, standing still. Good hustle, guys. Their loser captain finally orders two men to follow the dog, taking a mine detector with – a detail that honestly surprised me. Red Team worries that the dog might be a Blue Team spy, but they knew the risks going into the service, and aren’t about to let an injured man die in their own mine field.

A lot happens in this scene, including a crucial detail. The mine field was set up to protect Blue Team’s Ammo Dump. So that must mean… Ken and Linda are hiding in Blue Team’s Ammo Dump, the very target of the diabolical Red Team! I foresee drama. Hobo picks up on this detail too, as we’ll soon see.

Hobo returns to the barn/shack, with the blinded Ken somehow seeing Hobo before Linda does.

 

That smudge is Hobo. I’m starting to think Linda is blind and deaf. But, romantic bonding ensues! We learn that Ken is a spaz and that Linda’s father is a Captain that’s just too busy writing orders to see her. I know a few captains, and they don’t have thirty year old daughters. Either way, all that Captain-order-writing is driving a wedge between Linda and her father. Somehow this is all very romantic.

 

Meanwhile, Hobo makes a discovery.

 

Dynamite!

 

Hobo pensively studies the dynamite, slowly realizing the humans are in trouble, but knowing that his dog limitations will make informing them of this crucial detail difficult.

 

Earlier, Ken explained that the War Games were over at six o’clock, which means they’ll be over in about ten minutes. That also means Ken’s eyes will be better in about ten minutes. Well, that’s just too long for Linda, so she quizzes him on how many fingers she’s holding up.

Meanwhile, Hobo disarms a triggering device. The device is a large target stand up that when struck, falls down and sets off the TNT loaded into the shack/barn. Hobo, the technical master that he is, quickly disarms it.

Meanwhile, Blue Team captures Red Team. Blue Team is lead by the elderly Captain Garr, Linda’s father.

Captain Garr gloats over his victory, and I have to say this man is the oldest Captain I’ve ever seen. Maybe they do things differently up in Canada, or else Garr is a very slow climber. Very, very, slow.

He spots the Blue Team’s depot and plots to destroy it, throwing around military platitudes like crazy to show how old and grizzled and whatnot he is. His second in command says he was expecting a target in the window. Captain Garr will have none of that talk, replying that in war – expect the unexpected!

 

Quickly, he stuffs a pack of plastic explosive (I assume?) onto the side of the shack. Rather than include a detonator, he has Shades-man line up a shot with his rifle? Captain Garr is unconventional, I’ll give him that.

 

But… what’s this?

Hobo pulls the explosives off the wall as Shades-guy aims. Frustrated, the Captain orders Mario to fire a rocket right into the window instead.

Hobo’s on the case! He rushes inside and convinces Ken and Linda to get out before Mario fires. As they run out, drama ensues.

DAD

Don’t shoot!

LIIIIIIIINDAAAAAA

What exactly just happened? Linda and Ken, following the apt advice of their punctual pooch decide to ditch the depot. Don’t ask me how the dog convinced these two to leave when he couldn’t before because the show doesn’t tell us. As they leave, Linda, now face-to-face with her father and a bazooka wielding Mario brother, totally freaks out. In an effort to save his estranged daughter, Captain Dad swats Mario’s rocket launcher up, where presumably the rocket acts like a mortar and comes crashing down onto the TNT-laden shack, causing it to explode.

Of course, everything turns out alright in the end. Ken proposes a date with Linda after his grievous facial wounds are given a band-aid.

Linda and her father are reunited, obviously that little episode taught them something about family values and how much they love each other. Captain, recognizing that Hobo is far more competent than he will ever be, salutes the dog.

And with that, our hero Hobo walks into the sunset. Or the brush, whatever, and we’re dumped unceremoniously into the jaunty ending credits – which plays the opening theme again incase we forgot it.

There’s more of The Little Hobo I’d love to get to, and hopefully we’ll get to see even more of this dog’s crazy adventures. The show ran for six seasons all the way up to 1985, and the writer’s pretty much used up all the usual dog stories in the first season, resorting to terrorist plots pretty quickly. It’s no wonder why the show lasted like it did, and I’m eager for more Hobo!